I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Girls should come with a carfax report
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
