Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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