I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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