I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
