is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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