I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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