They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i would one night stand the shit outta him
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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