I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
