Please don't use social media to get back at me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
