I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I can't turn off my feet"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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