Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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