Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
