I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize