Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
