i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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