btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
