He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
