I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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