i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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