Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
