Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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