Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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