Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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