I met the friendliest cop last night
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
