I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
