I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
