Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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