i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
