I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
