Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
