I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
