She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
