Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
