there's paper in my vomit.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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