Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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