tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i now understand why vodka
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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