So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
