when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
