Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
