if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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