i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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