I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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