why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
