On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
