What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
