Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
