I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
