I wish they made helmets for livers.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
