I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
