He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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