"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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