burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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