is your mom at the bar?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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