dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
