I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
