I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You pole danced in your parka.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
