420 ftw
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
