i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
