Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
