Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
