Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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