just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
