dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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