I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
