Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
