John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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