I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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